Inclusion is the daughter of openness and acceptance, the sister of diversity, the mother of dialogue and collaboration. She is a remedy for extreme competition who cannot get along with discrimination or segregation. You know her when people with different abilities feel, listen, and help each other with a common or a personal challenge, yet it is difficult to tell who helps and who is being helped.
As parents we are members of an inclusion based unit – the family. So it is not surprising we want our children to be able to communicate effectively, connect with others, see through differences, find common ground, ask and receive help as well as willingly help others.
Today, typically developing children grow in environments that are ever more competitive, where they are instilled with knowledge and are driven to achieve, but not without a cost. Many do not connect well to others – their “competitors”. Their peers have similar mindset and challenges, which leads to narrow notions of aspirations, challenges, and solutions as well as a limited code of self expression. Being helped is often equated with weakness or worse, with failure.
In an inclusion based program, on the other hand, children of different abilities as well as different ages interact together. Usually, typically developing children participate together with children with special needs. For example, a child on autism spectrum or a child on a wheel chair: They play, learn, eat, explore, quarrel, sing, and make friends as usually occurs in every class. I have repeatedly observed that most typically developing children who participated in an inclusion program connected better with one another (regardless of needs). The diversity in an inclusion program allowed each child to be unique without feeling like an outsider, and through this many gained self confidence. Children slowly discovered that everyone has his/her own special needs, special perspectives, and special strengths and abilities. Many children felt proud and satisfied when they came into a meaningful contact or were helpful to others. The children discovered difficult challenges, found creative solutions to various problems, and new ways to bridge communication gaps with each other. Many typically developing children learned how to face and deal with frustrations. I am convinced that typically developing children who are lucky enough to participate in inclusion programs carry with them more open mind, greater empathy, and ability to connect and communicate. Successful inclusion enriches the intellectual, emotional, and social development of all who partake in it. So, it is ‘a win-win’ situation.
Successful inclusion depends on the teacher’s dedication to the vision of inclusion and his experience. It is easier to implement inclusion with younger children partly because they are still free from prejudice and their curriculum is more flexible. In a heavily academic classroom the teacher has little time to address the student social life, so inclusion is not even considered. After school programs based on inclusion can be also important, emphasizing social and emotional sides of life, and so permeating every aspect of the child development. As children get older, the ratio of special needs children to typically developing children becomes immportant and inclusion is easier where more than one child has special needs.
Inclusion does not stop or start in mixing together children with different abilities. Our greatest disability is our difficulty to connect with others. Inclusion grows from the vision that we all fit in because every person has something essential to contribute to others. Each of us thrives on being connected, being warmly accepted and appreciated, while also accepting others. We all thrive in such a community. Inclusion works.
Related links & sources for more reading:
-www.tats.ucf.edu/eupdates/Inclusion-2.pdf
- http://www.fpg.unc.edu/~fx/pages/inclusion.htm
- http://www.uni.edu/inclusion/benefits_of_inclusion.htm
Monday, February 8, 2010
Sunday, January 17, 2010
What can you do about: “I don’t want to play with you!”
Some teachers answer: You cannot say you cannot play! Here, I suggest a different approach. As the children taught me again and again, “I don’t want to play with you!” means quite a different thing in adult language than in child language.
“I don’t want to play with you!” As a parent I dread hearing this said to my son or my daughter. How dare she? As a teacher, however, children have trained me to hear and cope with it. Without my emotions blurring everything, and witnessing the ‘before, during, and after,’ I perceived quite different meanings in this dreaded phrase. Once understood, I was able to deal with this situation far more effectively and almost painlessly. Let’s take what happened with Lisa and David last week.
David’s favorite time is playing in the playground. I was surprised seeing him coming to me with a sad expression. “Lisa said she does not want to play with me”, he said.
“I wonder why?” I asked. “I don’t know.” He said.
“Have you hurt her or said something unpleasant to her?”
“No. No. I didn’t do anything to her.”
“So, let’s ask her.” I suggested.
Lisa was digging a tunnel in the sandbox and did not raise her head as we approached.
“Lisa, David is very sad. He said you don’t want to play with him. Are you angry at him?”
“No, I am digging a tunnel because there is a treasure here” …
“Ah, you are not angry at him and you will play with him after you finish digging?”
“Yes, after I find the treasure”… Lisa answered.
“So, can you tell that to David because he thinks you said you do not want to play with him at all.”
“David, I’ll play with you after I find the treasure. Ok?” Lisa followed emphatically.
“Ok.” David said.
Many adults would consider Lisa’s statement as an extremely offending rejection. A closer look, however, suggests that actually Lisa meant: “I’m in the middle of something and I can’t stop now”. In many other instances, when someone says “I don’t want to play with you,” she actually means “I am still hurt and angry at you, so I don’t feel like playing with you”. Together, these messages amount for over 95% of what is meant by “I don’t want to play with you”. Only in very rare cases, it means something worse, which will be the subject of another blog post. Still, it is unpleasant to hear, so how can parents deal with that not too rare situation?
One option as illustrated by the story of David and Lisa suggests that the parent could help resolve the situation by asking something like: You don’t want to play with her because she hurt you/said bad words to you/…? If the answers are negative, affirm that she is not angry or hurt by the other child and proceed to ask: Do you want to play with him after you finish playing? Finally you might suggest that next time she could say “I’ll play with you later”. If the answer is positive, for example “I’m angry at him because he took my shovel!” you can ask the other child “did you take her shovel?” and proceed to help them diffuse this (common) tension.
This approach empowers both children to stand against such a statement, attempt understanding and problem solving, improve their communication, and heal their feelings. In fact, even without adult intervention, I often find both children playing together harmoniously 15 minutes after the “crisis”! They understand each other better than most adults.
Another option for parents is declaring “You cannot say you cannot play - Never!” This sounds effective, but it often produces undesirable results. It conveys that something unspeakable has been said; so horrible that no one can stand it. It aggravates the feelings of both children and prevents more effective communication and healing. This adult intervention goes against empowerment. Further, it might encourage saying this statement because of its extreme impact on everybody.
“I don’t want to play with you!” As a parent I dread hearing this said to my son or my daughter. How dare she? As a teacher, however, children have trained me to hear and cope with it. Without my emotions blurring everything, and witnessing the ‘before, during, and after,’ I perceived quite different meanings in this dreaded phrase. Once understood, I was able to deal with this situation far more effectively and almost painlessly. Let’s take what happened with Lisa and David last week.
David’s favorite time is playing in the playground. I was surprised seeing him coming to me with a sad expression. “Lisa said she does not want to play with me”, he said.
“I wonder why?” I asked. “I don’t know.” He said.
“Have you hurt her or said something unpleasant to her?”
“No. No. I didn’t do anything to her.”
“So, let’s ask her.” I suggested.
Lisa was digging a tunnel in the sandbox and did not raise her head as we approached.
“Lisa, David is very sad. He said you don’t want to play with him. Are you angry at him?”
“No, I am digging a tunnel because there is a treasure here” …
“Ah, you are not angry at him and you will play with him after you finish digging?”
“Yes, after I find the treasure”… Lisa answered.
“So, can you tell that to David because he thinks you said you do not want to play with him at all.”
“David, I’ll play with you after I find the treasure. Ok?” Lisa followed emphatically.
“Ok.” David said.
Many adults would consider Lisa’s statement as an extremely offending rejection. A closer look, however, suggests that actually Lisa meant: “I’m in the middle of something and I can’t stop now”. In many other instances, when someone says “I don’t want to play with you,” she actually means “I am still hurt and angry at you, so I don’t feel like playing with you”. Together, these messages amount for over 95% of what is meant by “I don’t want to play with you”. Only in very rare cases, it means something worse, which will be the subject of another blog post. Still, it is unpleasant to hear, so how can parents deal with that not too rare situation?
One option as illustrated by the story of David and Lisa suggests that the parent could help resolve the situation by asking something like: You don’t want to play with her because she hurt you/said bad words to you/…? If the answers are negative, affirm that she is not angry or hurt by the other child and proceed to ask: Do you want to play with him after you finish playing? Finally you might suggest that next time she could say “I’ll play with you later”. If the answer is positive, for example “I’m angry at him because he took my shovel!” you can ask the other child “did you take her shovel?” and proceed to help them diffuse this (common) tension.
This approach empowers both children to stand against such a statement, attempt understanding and problem solving, improve their communication, and heal their feelings. In fact, even without adult intervention, I often find both children playing together harmoniously 15 minutes after the “crisis”! They understand each other better than most adults.
Another option for parents is declaring “You cannot say you cannot play - Never!” This sounds effective, but it often produces undesirable results. It conveys that something unspeakable has been said; so horrible that no one can stand it. It aggravates the feelings of both children and prevents more effective communication and healing. This adult intervention goes against empowerment. Further, it might encourage saying this statement because of its extreme impact on everybody.
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