Some teachers answer: You cannot say you cannot play! Here, I suggest a different approach. As the children taught me again and again, “I don’t want to play with you!” means quite a different thing in adult language than in child language.
“I don’t want to play with you!” As a parent I dread hearing this said to my son or my daughter. How dare she? As a teacher, however, children have trained me to hear and cope with it. Without my emotions blurring everything, and witnessing the ‘before, during, and after,’ I perceived quite different meanings in this dreaded phrase. Once understood, I was able to deal with this situation far more effectively and almost painlessly. Let’s take what happened with Lisa and David last week.
David’s favorite time is playing in the playground. I was surprised seeing him coming to me with a sad expression. “Lisa said she does not want to play with me”, he said.
“I wonder why?” I asked. “I don’t know.” He said.
“Have you hurt her or said something unpleasant to her?”
“No. No. I didn’t do anything to her.”
“So, let’s ask her.” I suggested.
Lisa was digging a tunnel in the sandbox and did not raise her head as we approached.
“Lisa, David is very sad. He said you don’t want to play with him. Are you angry at him?”
“No, I am digging a tunnel because there is a treasure here” …
“Ah, you are not angry at him and you will play with him after you finish digging?”
“Yes, after I find the treasure”… Lisa answered.
“So, can you tell that to David because he thinks you said you do not want to play with him at all.”
“David, I’ll play with you after I find the treasure. Ok?” Lisa followed emphatically.
“Ok.” David said.
Many adults would consider Lisa’s statement as an extremely offending rejection. A closer look, however, suggests that actually Lisa meant: “I’m in the middle of something and I can’t stop now”. In many other instances, when someone says “I don’t want to play with you,” she actually means “I am still hurt and angry at you, so I don’t feel like playing with you”. Together, these messages amount for over 95% of what is meant by “I don’t want to play with you”. Only in very rare cases, it means something worse, which will be the subject of another blog post. Still, it is unpleasant to hear, so how can parents deal with that not too rare situation?
One option as illustrated by the story of David and Lisa suggests that the parent could help resolve the situation by asking something like: You don’t want to play with her because she hurt you/said bad words to you/…? If the answers are negative, affirm that she is not angry or hurt by the other child and proceed to ask: Do you want to play with him after you finish playing? Finally you might suggest that next time she could say “I’ll play with you later”. If the answer is positive, for example “I’m angry at him because he took my shovel!” you can ask the other child “did you take her shovel?” and proceed to help them diffuse this (common) tension.
This approach empowers both children to stand against such a statement, attempt understanding and problem solving, improve their communication, and heal their feelings. In fact, even without adult intervention, I often find both children playing together harmoniously 15 minutes after the “crisis”! They understand each other better than most adults.
Another option for parents is declaring “You cannot say you cannot play - Never!” This sounds effective, but it often produces undesirable results. It conveys that something unspeakable has been said; so horrible that no one can stand it. It aggravates the feelings of both children and prevents more effective communication and healing. This adult intervention goes against empowerment. Further, it might encourage saying this statement because of its extreme impact on everybody.
“I don’t want to play with you!” As a parent I dread hearing this said to my son or my daughter. How dare she? As a teacher, however, children have trained me to hear and cope with it. Without my emotions blurring everything, and witnessing the ‘before, during, and after,’ I perceived quite different meanings in this dreaded phrase. Once understood, I was able to deal with this situation far more effectively and almost painlessly. Let’s take what happened with Lisa and David last week.
David’s favorite time is playing in the playground. I was surprised seeing him coming to me with a sad expression. “Lisa said she does not want to play with me”, he said.
“I wonder why?” I asked. “I don’t know.” He said.
“Have you hurt her or said something unpleasant to her?”
“No. No. I didn’t do anything to her.”
“So, let’s ask her.” I suggested.
Lisa was digging a tunnel in the sandbox and did not raise her head as we approached.
“Lisa, David is very sad. He said you don’t want to play with him. Are you angry at him?”
“No, I am digging a tunnel because there is a treasure here” …
“Ah, you are not angry at him and you will play with him after you finish digging?”
“Yes, after I find the treasure”… Lisa answered.
“So, can you tell that to David because he thinks you said you do not want to play with him at all.”
“David, I’ll play with you after I find the treasure. Ok?” Lisa followed emphatically.
“Ok.” David said.
Many adults would consider Lisa’s statement as an extremely offending rejection. A closer look, however, suggests that actually Lisa meant: “I’m in the middle of something and I can’t stop now”. In many other instances, when someone says “I don’t want to play with you,” she actually means “I am still hurt and angry at you, so I don’t feel like playing with you”. Together, these messages amount for over 95% of what is meant by “I don’t want to play with you”. Only in very rare cases, it means something worse, which will be the subject of another blog post. Still, it is unpleasant to hear, so how can parents deal with that not too rare situation?
One option as illustrated by the story of David and Lisa suggests that the parent could help resolve the situation by asking something like: You don’t want to play with her because she hurt you/said bad words to you/…? If the answers are negative, affirm that she is not angry or hurt by the other child and proceed to ask: Do you want to play with him after you finish playing? Finally you might suggest that next time she could say “I’ll play with you later”. If the answer is positive, for example “I’m angry at him because he took my shovel!” you can ask the other child “did you take her shovel?” and proceed to help them diffuse this (common) tension.
This approach empowers both children to stand against such a statement, attempt understanding and problem solving, improve their communication, and heal their feelings. In fact, even without adult intervention, I often find both children playing together harmoniously 15 minutes after the “crisis”! They understand each other better than most adults.
Another option for parents is declaring “You cannot say you cannot play - Never!” This sounds effective, but it often produces undesirable results. It conveys that something unspeakable has been said; so horrible that no one can stand it. It aggravates the feelings of both children and prevents more effective communication and healing. This adult intervention goes against empowerment. Further, it might encourage saying this statement because of its extreme impact on everybody.
